Search

Sam van Zweden

Writer

Open Search

Step by step, self-empowerment and self-indulgent posts

I’m feeling self-indulgent today. I very very rarely post about things that aren’t linked to literature in some way… But today I am. So please excuse my indulgence, I hope you get something out of this post despite its lack of literary references and insightful links.

I’ve been really feeling the pressure lately. I’ve committed myself to all these things that make me happy – but committment requires a follow-up.

I’ve committed myself to being a writer and poet. I’ve been published multiple times in the last few months, and made my way through to the Australian Poetry Slam finals for Victoria. It’s all quite overwhelming, and it feels like the universe has just clicked into place for me… Lucky me, it’s all working!
…The only thing about that is that the pressure to follow up with something better is building.  I’ve been approached about writing for other publications, people are asking me what’s next. I’m excited about where it goes but I’ve been unable to write lately, because I want everything to be good, to be the next piece I make into something I’m proud of and try to get out there, especially now that I’ve got my name out, I want to impress people. And so my pen’s run dry. I’m scared of stuffing it up – how do I keep being good, how do I get better?

I’ve also committed myself to losing weight and being healthy. In just over 4 weeks I’ve lost 4.5kg, and I’m starting to see it. And I’m feeling good about it, healthy food choices are starting to come naturally to me. This is all great, but I’m feeling pressure here too. My weight loss is starting to slow down after the first “easy” (not really easy) kilos have come off, I need to work harder. My goal weight seems so far away, sometimes it’s overwhelming. I have about 15kg to go before I’m anywhere near a “healthy weight”.

I’m currently going through my fifth or sixth bout of tonsilitis for the season, taking steroids this time because antibiotics just won’t do anything any more. I’m all sniffly, and the weather outside is looking like it wants to get me down… But despite all this, I feel pretty good about myself today.

Why? Because in the last few days, I feel like I’ve discovered the key. The big novelty-sized cliche key. The key to overcoming all this building pressure and dread at making things happen long-term.

“Step by step.” That’s all it is. I have no great story ideas in my head because I’m freaking out. But if I make myself sit down and write each day, eventually something comes – I’d forgotten that this was how I work anyway. I’d been spooked and lost touch with the way my brain works. If I sit down and work, eventually something comes.

And on the other hand – “bite by bite”. We had friends over the other night for a creativity love-fest, and there was cider and pizza involved. (For those cider-drinkers out there keen on losing weight – MERCURY DRY! 50cals a bottle. Other ciders are over 100cals. It’s a revelation). I could beat myself up over eating pizza with the boys. But instead I’ve stuck with the idea that it all happens incrementally. I ate pizza, fine. I don’t have to follow it up with an unhealthy meal or drink. I tackle the next bite sensibly.

I guess both these ideas (step by step and bite by bite) are just about making what happens MY responsibility. It’s not that the universe has smiled kindly down upon me – it’s that I worked mighty hard and good things happened. To continue the good things happening, continue working mighty hard. Simple, no? But that’s my realization.

Apologies again for such a diary-entry type post. I’m feeling really good today, and I thought that was worth sharing. I hope you get something from this post.

0

Little Girl On A Big Stage

Photo by Megan Burke

Experimedia at the State Library is cavernous. It’s almost as tall as it is long. An amplified voice floats up to the rafters and swells to fill the room. Sometimes it swells too fast, and the words get swallowed up. Other times it swells and settles softly on the crowd.

This is where I was performing last night, in the 2010 Australian Poetry Slam Victorian finals. I’ve never performed in such a big venue before – I think there were about 200 people there, every seat was filled, plus some standing. It was nerve-wracking, but I think I’ve finally found a performative medium where I belong. I’ve tried acting, singing, bands – none of those nerves were good. Those nerves all came from the place inside me that knew I was no good, and had nothing to offer in that medium. But this – this is good nerves, this is feeling like it’s where I’m meant to be.

I’m rambling. Back to the event –

14 poets performed at the event, hosted by EZB and deflowered by Geoff Lemon. Geoff Lemon’s name is one I’ve known for quite a while, but I’ve never had anything to do with him. I have to say, he’s wonderful in person. Seeing him perform just knocks you off your feet, he’s so witty and animated.

The fourteen competing poets were comprised of the winners and runners-up from the regional heats around Victoria. Some of these poets I knew quite well, others I’d never seen before. Some I’d seen in other non-slam contexts, while others gained new respect from me for outdoing their previous slam performances.

With a two-minute time limit for each piece, the night was incredibly snappy. I read fourth, following Luka/Lesson (winner of the Overload slam), Meena Shamaly and IQ. How to follow those guys? Good question. I don’t think I answered it adequately.

I scored quite low in comparison with the rest of the performers, but that’s not what I was there for. I learned a lot from this event, such as the need to have options up my sleeve for different pieces depending what I’m following. Also, I need to become more performative in my movement – I need to be bigger, MORE DYNAMIC! I need to have my words in my pocket, written down, because if I know they’re there, I don’t panic and forget them.

Stand-out poet of the evening for me, hands down, was Joel McKerrow. This man has innate rhythm such as I have never seen before. And he obviously knows about it, and how to make the most of it, because for last night’s piece, Joel turned himself into the beating heart of the world. There was chest-slapping and bouncing and oh, what a piece!

I feel so so very lucky to have gotten to the state finals, and performed next to people I admire so much. Melbourne has a really vibrant slam community, and it’s such a supportive place to be. People I’d never met before came and shook my hand and told me I’d done well. People I did know came and told me they’d “boo”ed the judges for my score. As with all good slams, there was a lot of yelling, there was a lot of laughing. General merriment and hilarity. It’s so… healthy.

Runner up Tariro Mavondo and winner Nour Abouzeid are off to Sydney – and I wish them the world of luck, they both obviously work incredibly hard at what they do and are stellar performers. There’s nobody better to show Sydney that the best slam poets are chillin’ in Vic!

Photo by Megan Burke

Megan Burke over at Lit Life beat me to this post – for a great wrap-up of the event, complete with lots of photos (…of me) head over there.

Talking of slamming, and awesome slam poets, Luka Haralampou is one of Melbourne’s best. He’s trying to fund his way to the World Slam Finals. Help him get there – we need to let the world know that Australia’s poetry slam scene is strong.

4

Teaser Tuesday

Teaser Tuesday is hosted by MizB at Should Be Reading.

  • Grab your current read.
  • Let the book fall open to a random page.
  • Share with us two (2) “teaser” sentences from that page.
  • You also need to share the title of the book that you’re getting your “teaser” from … that way people can have some great book recommendations if they like the teaser you’ve given!

“It’s that moon again, slung so fat and low in the tropical night, calling out across a curdled sky and into the quivering ears of that dear old voice in the shadows, the Dark Passenger, nestled snug in the backseat of the Dodge K-car of Dexter’s hypothetical soul.
That rascal moon, that loudmouthed leering Lucifer, calling down across the empty sky to the dark hearts of the night monsters below, calling them away to their joyful playgrounds.”

From Dearly Devoted Dexter, by Jeff Lindsay (p1)

 

0

The Wild Things by Dave Eggers Review

I never read Maurice Sendak’s Where The Wild Things Are as a kid. I can recognize the book, and I knew it was popular, but somehow it was a title that I just never had much to do with.

Recently this book was turned into a film, which expanded on Sendak’s original picture-book story. There was much discussion about the film being too adult, and not in the general feel of the children’s story. I saw the film, and I agree, it’s not appropriate for children – but I don’t think it should have been. The kids about my age and older who grew up reading Where The Wild Things Are are the people who watched the film, and it was appropriate for that age group.

Lesser known is the fact that at around the same time, the picture-book was adapted to a novel, written by Dave Eggers, who also wrote the screenplay. The novel diverges from the story of the film in parts, but generally feels the same and has the same message – it’s not as dark as the film though, and I think you could almost read this novel to a kid (probably about 8yo+) and have them understand it and get something out of it.

The story is about Max, a young boy whose parents have not long divorced. Max is having trouble with his sister not caring about him any more, and his mum giving her attention to a new man, Gary. Max plays up and causes trouble – his mum tells him he’s caused “permanent damage”. While she’s referring to the house, Max sees it as emotional damage, and runs away from home in confusion. He gets in his boat and tries to steer toward the city, where his father is. Somehow though, Max drifts out to sea and lands on an island full of creatures who are as wild as Max. They make him their king, and during his time on the island, Max learns that it’s impossible to please everyone all the time, and that there are very real consequences for the things he decides to do. By leaving his home, Max learns to see the wild thing inside himself.

Written in a very simple style, Dave Eggers has written a touching story which could speak equally to adults and older children. Though the language is uncomplicated, the story is by no means one-dimensional. Eggers here absolutely disproves the rule of “writing what you know” as being the most effective way to write a moving story. He makes utterly unreal creatures more human than many of the characters I’ve read elsewhere, showing that all you really need to have is a point. And a way with words – oh, Lordy! Has Dave Eggers got a way with words! (The idea of Max being “half boy, half wind” just kills me!) He paints beautiful imagery, and is consistent with it. Metaphors appear and re-appear , ideas weave their way seamlessly through the narrative as character motivators (such as Carol’s attachment to the idea of the sun dying).

Even though the story is set in an unnamed land, inhabited by unreal wild creatures, I found myself on the verge of tears by the end of the book. Each character had an absolute purpose in the same way that real people do. I felt like I’d wandered into a firmly established and very real situation in much the same way as Max had, and there was no point in the story when I didn’t believe or care about what was happening.

I’m a bit of a Dave Eggers fan, having recently read How We Are Hungry and just about wetting myself over its brilliance, and having a fairly obsessive attachment to A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius. A children’s book adaptation though? Really?

Yes, really. Don’t let the premise put you off. Dave Eggers has written in a super-tight way, true to his usual form, and has turned fantastical characters into something very real that will stick with you.

0

Running-up and Not Quite Believing It.

Tonight was the Balwyn heat of the Australian Poetry Slam. I arrived almost spot-on 7pm – I missed the clearly-in list for registration, but I did get on a secondary wild-card list. Luckily, my name was drawn as one of three wild-card performers.

There were twenty performers – a mixed bag. A really mixed bag. There were the people I’ve seen before and was incredibly glad to see again – Steve Smart’s performance of something much more serious than I’ve seen him do before really stood out. There were people who’d clearly been reading poetry in public for a while, they were confident without their notes and looked everyone in the eye. There were those who were first time readers, and I really must tip my hat to these guys – bless their shaking, stumbling, unsure hearts; they were brave for sharing their words, and I hope to see a lot of them in future when they gain the confidence their words deserve.

…Then there was me and my mis-placed confidence in my memory. Having performed this piece last night at The Spinning Room and getting a good response and not looking at my notes, I decided that tonight was the night – no more security blanket. I left my notebook on my chair and got up to perform.

I was planning on titling this post “The Fatal Pause,” and blogging about what a cock-up my first slam-without-notes and getting real scores was and how much I learned from failure… This is what was running through my mind after I felt like I’d made a fool of myself and I was trying to figure out how I could get something out of the situation. But that’s not what happened.

I did cock up. I did pause, and I’m sure I did that bug-eyed panic-face, where everyone in the room knows that all the words have flown straight out of your head and into some unending abyss… But I recovered reasonably well.

Apparently the judges thought so anyway, as I came runner-up for the evening. I’ll be going on to the state finals at the State Library of Victoria on Friday the 19th (7pm-9.30pm) – please oh please please come and whoop and holler for me, and the slew of other amazing poets that will be performing that night. Through from Balwyn also is Nour, who performed a really touching piece about Lego. It’ll make sense later, if you get to hear it, I promise.

3

Teaser Tuesday

Teaser Tuesday is hosted by MizB at Should Be Reading.

  • Grab your current read.
  • Let the book fall open to a random page.
  • Share with us two (2) “teaser” sentences from that page.
  • You also need to share the title of the book that you’re getting your “teaser” from … that way people can have some great book recommendations if they like the teaser you’ve given!


“One might think that a boy who was out in the snow for so long would get cold, but Max was not. He was warm, partly because he had on many layers, and partly because boys who are part wolf and part wind do not get cold.”
from Dave Eggers’ The Wild Things, p14.

1

Brain-work on a Monday?!

Usually I manage to structure my Mondays so they involve as little brain-work as is humanly possible. I just put chutney on some toast – usually that’s about as tough as my Mondays get. That, and turning pages of trashy novels.

Not this Monday! This Monday I’m doing all sorts of brain-work, and I’m not sure I’m OK with it quite yet.

There are decisions to be made today. I’m going to a slam tomorrow night to perform at their open mic in preparation for the State Library’s Australian Poetry Slam on Wednesday at the Balwyn heat. Both these events are quite big and scary for me – I haven’t done any poetry performance outside uni events, so while I’m not nervous just yet, I have a feeling I very much will be later. I have two pieces that I feel are quite strong, and I need to choose which is stronger. One has some humour. The other is a bit pretty.

I need to practice these pieces more so they’re totally drummed into my brain (brain-work…).

When that decision’s been made, I need to decide on an extract from Hold On, the story which is appearing in Page Seventeen, being launched on Saturday. I’ll be reading an extract at the launch, up to 3 minutes… I haven’t decided which three minutes yet. I think most logical is from the start of the story, because the chronological story is intercepted by flash-backs. But is that the strongest part of the story?

The following piece of brain-work involves writing up a pitch for a workshop I’ll be running before the end of the year in Northcote, through Express Media.

By the end of the day, I think I’ll be happy to head off to work and only think about filling fridges. By far too much brain-work for a Monday!

6

Dreeeeeeam-Weaver!

Last night I had a strange dream.

I was at a venue, and after some show I went to collect my things from the cloak room. I’d left a huge quill pen there. It was a beautiful pen, with a big whispy red feather extending about a metre into the air. I asked the cloak-room attendant for my pen. He nodded, and came back with two pens. I recognized mine, but he also held one which was much bigger. The same pen, just as beautiful, but bigger than mine.

Little Girl With a Big Pen dreamed about someone with a bigger pen.

What the hell does that mean?!

0

Some Solid Advice

I’m a fan of Cate Kennedy. She’s a great writer, a wonderful editor (hey, Christmas is coming up! “The Best Australian…”? Anyone?), and I especially enjoy reading her columns and journal articles.

Having read some of her work before, I know that Cate Kennedy is a major proponent of turning the damn internet off when you’re working. She tells some harsh truths, she honestly gets to the crux of the problem, whether it’s time-wasting, or lying to yourself about what your work really is or wants to be…

Yesterday on The Inc. Blot (the Black Inc blog), Cate wrote her top ten tips for writers. Usually these lists are pretty gimmicky, or they take the piss. Mark Twain’s advice, “Use good grammar” and a very helpful BBC article telling me to “Get an agent!” are two such articles.

Cate’s list, however, is true to her usual form. She cuts through the crap, and gives real advice which talks to the real problems most writers face. Thinking about fame when what you need to do first is find somewhere to sit and write. Mucking around on Youtube. Self-editing before anything even reaches that page. Most importantly, just get the job done. Cate gives advice that helps you do that.

So head on over to The Inc. Blot and give her article a read.

1

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑